Right Back
Our senses are incredible. I hear this song and I’m transported back in time. I remember the thick Seattle rain on my windshield, my window open as I drove away from his house. It was the second time I’d been there. Our relationship was new and I didn’t like him very much. I knew I didn’t have to leave that night, he never wanted me to go. He lived deep in downtown, in a tangled mess of one-way streets. I always got turned around driving away from his house. This specific time I went the wrong way on a one-way and I narrowly avoided getting into a serious car accident. This feels fitting considering where we have ended up.
Our senses are incredible. But smell, touch, taste they all work against us when we want to move on. So when I hear this song, I text my ex-boyfriend back, and we see each other. I am so unsure when I’m in his presence. We’ve proven that we can be friends, but we can’t not touch each other. We can watch movies, but our feet find their way to each other just like they used to. He still feels like home, he can’t be home. Six months in and I’m losing my will.
I see these married couples who have been together for decades and I start to wonder what was so wrong with our relationship. My parents can be together for 35 years and still be madly in love, why can’t I get over a few little hiccups?
Calling cheating and hitting a little hiccup is delusional. I don’t know why I want so desperately to be with someone that I would write off my own experience like this. The smell of the trees in early Summer reminds me vividly how harmful we are to each other.
Writing this, the radio changed to the song I walked down the aisle to. I’m using it to encourage thoughts that I not only need to be single, but without men for a year. I turn 27 next week. I need to figure this shit out. There’s no reason to spend more time unhappy than necessary. And I’m not unhappy, I’m just so unsure, and I’m scared that it will turn into unhappiness or worse with time.
Professional Driver, Closed Course 