A Flame of a Different Color
Tonight I am dedicating this to my ex-husband. This is the last time I’m using that title. He is no longer my ex-husband, he is my friend. It took me a long time to stop referring to him as my husband, and add the ex, now there is no reason for either of them. It’s all in the past. I am beyond excited that he and I have been able to rebuild this beautiful friendship. So in honor of saying goodbye to titles of the past, I am going to tell a very abbreviated version of a very complicated love, from my perspective.
As many love stories go, the instant we met, we knew we would be best friends… in a dark little sex club in downtown. I was going there because I was curious about that lifestyle. Honestly, I’m not sure what led him there that night, but it turned out that we had more in common than we should have. We had actually been in each other’s space many times, but had no idea. We sat outside and smoked cigarettes and laughed all night long. I was in a monogamous relationship and he was in some sort of dating something. I just knew I wanted him to be my friend. The falling in love that happened after this was so simple. I told my boyfriend we either needed to break up, or be in an open relationship, because I had met a man who I was fascinated by. If I didn’t do this, I felt I would be missing out on something that I was meant to experience.
I ended my relationship and started on this journey of pure fun. I remember a lot of late nights of talking, all night, for years. We moved in together, and settled into a life. Which led to both of us getting bored. I struggled through a lot of this part. He was nothing less than amazing, but he had no idea how the hell to handle me. I was 19 when we met and still had a lot of growing up to do. I was deciding which road to take while he was settled into his ways as an adult. My addictions and codependency with my other friend grew stronger while I continuously pushed him away. So he stopped coming home.
After three years together we got married at my Grandma’s lake house. We spun fire that night and threw the best party we, to this day, could not top. Even then things weren’t easy. I didn’t know if it was something I really wanted but my Grandpa was dying and I wanted him to see that I would be okay. Tony loved me to the ends of the earth and I would have been lucky to end up with him for forever. It was easy to blame the person who loved me for the things I did to myself. In spite of this, we did create perfect moments of time that are etched into both of our hearts.
Then things got dark. Really, really dark. We stopped talking, we stopped being friends entirely, but we were legally obligated to try. I blamed him for so many false things that he inevitably gave me things to blame him for. The perceived hurt is so much easier to handle than the real pain. No one can put up with that and I was silly to expect him to. We both left the relationship long before I packed my bags. This was immense and debilitating.
Our lives since then have strangely mirrored each other. We both jumped right into complicated relationships that ended within one week of each other last year. We never really spoke during this time. I have honestly been afraid that I would lose what we had entirely, and shrivel into a little bitter raisin. More and more while we’ve both been single and learning to be alone again, we’ve ended up in each other’s space. Even occasionally on purpose. I feel so lucky to have him back in my life. This person who knows my past, will be part of my future again.
I’m actually tearing up writing this but I don’t want anyone to think that this is a re-marriage in the making. It’s nothing of the sort. It feels so good to have my friend back. Someone who was probably only supposed to be that from the beginning. Now we have this past that we can laugh about. We can be happy for each other when dates go well, laugh about the way we act in relationships, or simply cheer each other on.
This is a very unexpected lesson on this path. I’m excited to move on and build from the ashes.
Professional Driver, Closed Course 