Wake of Destruction
I’m a bit of a tornado sometimes. Usually when drinking. Fortunately, I’m blessed with forgiving friends. This is the last month of this process and I have this dark spot in me that I always ignore. I am a drunk. There are several reasons behind this and I was in and out of therapy for years to fix them. Some things can’t be fixed or maybe they just shouldn’t be. I have these emotions that are quick and intense, raw pain leftover from my childhood. Sometimes this can translate into amazing love, mostly I drink to shut them up.
It’s time to figure out how to get sober. I honestly cannot remember a night when I didn’t go to bed at least a little buzzed. I’m making this public because I need to keep this promise to myself. If I can’t do that, then how could a partner ever expect me to keep a promise to them?
My grandfather died from alcoholism the week before my wedding. I don’t want to be that person. I want to pin down these dark spots and face them so that I can be better, before I destroy the beauty I have worked so hard to build.
When I watched my Uncle die as a little girl, I broke. Watching my Mom try to cope smashed the pieces that were left. He lived with us while suffering from his disease. As a 5-year-old, I was well aware that we didn’t have Christmas presents because Uncle Mike’s medicine was more important. I loved him so deeply, I didn’t care. Some may think that kids shouldn’t be exposed to that, but I am thankful. I was able to build a lasting memory of a man who will forever inspire my life. I never fully recovered from his death. Waking up to his favorite stuffed animal in my bed is a memory that brings me to tears even now.
I then spent my teen years as a sensitive self-medicator. I was in the hospital for a while when the cutting got so bad my parents didn’t know what else to do. I pulled my life together though and I learned to cope with my hurt in healthier ways. Until I discovered alcohol. Living alone has made it so I don’t have to be accountable for how many wine bottles are in the recycling, so they multiply like rabbits. I’ve been very fortunate to not have ruined every relationship in my life. I tried AA for a little while, but that really isn’t me. I do think I can be mature enough to have control over it. I think it’s worth a try.
My year is coming to a close and I want to open myself up to find someone, but I am afraid of finding them and destroying them with this. This is the last thing that I think could do that. One last piece to put together. It’s the biggest and scariest. But it wouldn’t be right to keep ignoring it.
Here goes.
Professional Driver, Closed Course 