Professional Driver, Closed Course

Burn the Past

For the last week I’ve had a question stuck in my head: How can I avoid living in the past?

It seems easy to come up with a response. The more I think about it though, it becomes less clear. How we can fully live in the present without also dwelling on where we came from?

There are so many sides to this question. There are memories, friends, lovers, lessons, pain, laughter, nostalgia. Everything that made us who we are, happened in the past. So how do I exist every day looking forward to an unknown moment when the memories are right there?

I used to have a friend who I thought was my soulmate. We were young, we were drunk, and our entire friendship was built around re-living stories of things that had happened to us. My ex-husband and I met for a drink the other day and I brought up the subject. He reminded me of a time when this friend and I were drunk and spent all night reminiscing over pictures of ourselves. In these pictures, we were also looking at pictures of ourselves. A little kaleidoscope of codependency and narcissism.

I’ve spent a lot of time recently trying to rid my life of dark places. I have let go of a lot. I let go of this friend and several others, but now I’m wondering where does the past stop and the present begin.

We all have those possessions we would grab in a fire. Over the years, my “in case of emergency” box has become an entire cabinet. It’s filled with momentos of my existence. Only now I can’t remember why I held onto them. Do I need a music box to remind me of the moments I spent with my Uncle before he died? Do I need a journal to remind me of the time I was hospitalized at 16? Do I have to occasionally rip open these wounds to remind me of who I am?

I have so many questions about this. Where do the lessons I have learned or memories I cherish, become obsessing about what could have been?

I’m getting rid of things. I have the memories in my heart, and that’s all I really need in the fire. I’m just hoping I don’t forget.