Man
My apartment is a mess, which I’ve learned is a sign that things are amiss. I’m sleeping with someone who I feel incredibly out of sync with. Something isn’t right in my head about it. Until tonight, when I saw Chris.
Chris is the ex of a girl I used to know. He is the most amazing man I’ve ever met. Our friendship has been around for a very long time. He treats women like they are important to him. He’s not afraid to be vulnerable, but he refuses to be a doormat. My friend broke his heart so badly. She was everything to him. When she started to cheat on him, he would call me in the middle of the night just wanting to talk. He knew I was devoted to her, but we had a friendship outside of this. When she finally let him go, he moved away. I was so wrapped up with her insane life, that I hardly noticed.
Occasionally something would happen reminding me that he was out there, then I would remind him that I love him. Don’t get me wrong, Chris and my relationship has never gone past just being friends who are always there for each other.
It’s been three years since I’ve seen him. He recently moved back to Portland and I saw him tonight. I’m not sure how to describe what I’m feeling after talking to him again. He is incredibly gentle but outspoken. He is just a really good, strong man. I realized that the strange way that we’ve always known everything about each other in combination with how incredible he is, is the connection I want eventually.
I have almost two months left, and I’m wondering about things like: if I will ever want a relationship again. I really do. I think I’ve started to let go of the fear. I just have a new standard. I want a good man. I haven’t been able to go completely without men, but I guess I’ve learned something. The world seems to be filled with men who are too weak or too mean. I just don’t want to walk all over you and I don’t want you to hit me.
Professional Driver, Closed Course 